poops, giggles and huh?

As always, my mind runs and runs.

I want to do something with my life, it says. I don’t want to be average, it says. I want to have enough money to be comfortable and support my parents, it continues. I want to be with Susan but I don’t think I want to get married. That’s just too big of a step. I want to take this new job I was offered here in New York but I want to live closer to my family in California, it says. I want to go back to China because I love it there. But, I know that if I go there, I’ll wonder whether or not I should have stayed in America.

The thoughts just keep piling up. It’s like there’s a guy with a wheelbarrow loaded with new worries in my mind. He empties his wheelbarrow onto the pile of thoughts in my mind then scampers back to God knows where to load his wheelbarrow with some fresh thoughts. I want to shoot the little bastard before he can get more thoughts into that wheelbarrow but I’m not quick enough. He keeps dodging my shots and manages to elude everything I throw at him.

Like the annoying kid in your 3rd grade class, he sticks his tongue out at me and waves his hands next to his face. I can hear the "nyah nyah nyah’s" before he rushes off to pick up more worrisome thoughts.

Why isn’t it easier to be happier? Am I supposed to want so many things that I can’t have or am I not trying hard enough to get the things I want? Am I, like my girlfriend suggests, so selfish that I just keep thinking about what i want when I should really be focusing on other things, like her? (Yes, I know the irony of it. I’m selfish because I don’t put her first.)

I don’t know what to do. But when do I ever?

I never really think about how one year is different than any other. Most times, they just all seem to run together. But now, as I think about it, I really can see the difference between them. 2005 was a good year. 2006 wasn’t so good. So far, 2007 is looking up. Things are looking promising. I don’t want to jinx it by saying everything, but then again, you probably don’t want to hear about it anyway

It’s funny how when you’re in the right mind set, you can see how the world is wide open and waiting to be explored. Most times, I can’t see it but I’m just excited about the prospects right now.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed, hope for the best, and go for it.

Jonathan scurried as closely to the wall as possible. The floor was sticky from spilled cokes, dirty shoes, and who knew what else. Jonathan wished there were a better way to get to his nest on the west side of the New York City Port Authority Bus Terminal, but this was the quickest way.

Don’t these people ever go to sleep? he thought. It was already twelve thirty at night and there were still people rushing to catch their busses. Jonathan had learned that people, especially old ladies, screamed or tried to stomp on him if they saw him. So he tried to keep his little gray body as hidden as possible by only moving when he thought people weren’t looking down at the floor.

He looked up at a clock hanging from the ceiling. He’d promised Martha that he would be back for their late night supper by twelve thirty five. he quickened his pace.

"Bus one fifty eight now boarding from gate number three oh one," boomed a man’s voice from the loud speaker. The voice startled Jonathan and he jumped just a little bit.

"Eeeee! A mouse!" screamed a rather large woman in a flowered dress. She turned to run away from Jonathan and instead smacked into a short man next to her.

"Oof," the man said as they went down in a heap. "Hey, get off of me!" the man’s muffled voice cried.

"Coming through, coming through," a young man with a tie ran toward gate three hundred and one trying to catch his bus. Unfortunately, he didn’t see the large woman struggling to get off of the short man.

"Aagh!" he yelled as he tripped over them and landed on the floor.

Jonathan took a good look to make sure they wouldn’t stomp on him. Then he scurried around the three fallen travellers as other ladies screamed and tried to run from him.

It would be so easy. All I’d have to do would be to apply for a few postions or post my resume on ESL Cafe. Within a few days or a week, I’d have job offers and emails asking me for interviews. Just like that, I could hop on a plane and move back to China. I could go to almost any city I chose and have enough money to live and a little left over to save. I might choose to stay in a city I’d lived in before so that I would be in a familiar place with people I know. I might choose to teach in a high school, middle schoo, or primary school. I might decide to go to a brand new city; a city that I’d never visited before. This way, I could start a new adventure.

I could be there in a month and be dining on my favorite chinese foods and hearing the familiar sounds of the song like Chinese dialects. I could do all this. I could move back there so easily. Yet, I keep myself from posting my resume or sending it to any schools. I don’t do any of this because I am in the middle of investing for my future. I’m investing by trying to set temporary roots in new Jersey/New York. I don’t do this because if I do, I’ll be taking the easy way out and I’ll probably always be an ESL Teacher. I don’t do this because although I loved teaching, I kept wondering if I could make it in another profession. I don’t do this because…I shouldn’t, I can’t…live in the past.
I’m here now. But maybe someday again…

It’s 1:25 am. I got home from work almost an hour ago. Yes, I know it’s late. I worked from noon till midnight today. I can’t seem to get myself to go to bed right after I get home though. I’m tired, but I just don’t want to walk in the door and go straight to bed. So instead, I watch tv, check up on backetball scores on the internet, and snack on Triscuits; The Triscuits were on sale for $2.50 for a family size box.

Yesterday, I surprised Susan. It was her birthday and I’d been telling her that I was just going to cook for her but that I didn’t want to do anything really special for her birthday because I was trying to save money. She was disappointed but was a good sport. However, I sneakily planned a little surpise dinner and party for her at the Magic Pot, a fondue place down the street from me. When I took her down there, she was surprised that I was taking her to a restaurant but pretty happy. When she saw her friends there, she was so happy that she couldn’t stop grinning. It was a good time. I’ve never been to a fondue restaurant before.

Later, we all went to a karaoke place and had cake and drank some wine. Then we saw this old Korean guy out in the parking lot who was so wasted that he couldn’t walk! But that’s a different story and I think I’m ready to go to bed now.

Working crazy hours can make you neglect blogging. I’ve recently found this out. But enough about work. Just because I work 50 hours a week and don’t get home until after midnight, is that a reason to complain and whine? NO!! So I’m only going to whine to myself. Not on my blog.

Anyway, I was on the subway yesterday. I walked into the car and the doors closed behind me. As soon as they did, I knew I’d made a mistake. Most of the people in that car were crammed together on one side of the car. Just as I was trying to figure out why they were all bunched up over there instead of spreading out, the stench hit me. A small, peanut looking man was the source. He smelled like he’d been rolling around in dirty diapers for a few months at least. And, as I was just wishing I’d chosen a different car to ride in, he began to pee his pants. I knew because of the rapidly growing puddle beneath him. It was gross, funny, sad, and intriguing all at the same time. Like a bunch of rubber neckers, all the passengers’ eyes were glued to the puddle.

I knew they were probably nudging each other and making bets on how much of the floor it was going to cover. Anyway, the story would probably be more interesting if I had stayed on the car, but I didn’t. I moved to a different car at the next stop.

Good night. I’m tired.

Grandma leaned over the coffin supported by my two uncles.

"I’m so lonely," she managed to say to Grandpa through her sobs. "Why did you leave me? I didn’t expect you to leave me so suddenly."

The crowd of people that had attended Grandpa’s funeral were all outside the funeral chapel now. Only the family was still inside. We were paying our last respects to Grandpa.

My uncles were crying too and I could tell that they were trying to be strong for Grandma but were having a hard time of it. "If you get up, I’ll cook anything you want. I’ll buy you anything you want," she told Grandpa through her tears. She stroked Grandpa’s face with her hand tenderly as she cried.

Mom, my Auntie Thelma, and my Uncle Markus couldn’t hold back their tears either. All of us grandkids took turns saying goodbye to Grandpa. Ko, my older brother, cried and knelt in front of the coffin and told Grandpa that he was sorry. My dad sat and I saw his body shaking as he sobbed. The girls hugged each other as their tears smeared their make up and mascara.

I waited until everyone else had said goodbye to my grandpa before I went to see him. Ryan joined me. I looked down at Grandpa’s still face. I kept thinking that I saw his chest rising and falling…like he was still breathing and just taking a nap like he used to on our sofa. I kept expecting him to sit up and say, "pulang yoh. Let’s go home." Just like always.

Ryan looked down at Grandpa and I saw the tears start to spill out of his eyes. I told Grandpa I’d miss him. At first, I didn’t think I felt anything. Then it hit me all at once. I could hardly keep from sobbing. The tears came fast.

This was the death of an era, the end of our way of life, the signal that our whole family is getting old. It was the knowledge that our innocent days as a young, healthy family and close siblings and relatives wasn’t going to last forever.

I didn’t know I could cry anymore. I haven’t cried for a long time. I usually look at crying as a weakness. I couldn’t help it. Ryan cried and I put my arm around him for a moment… and then I cried.

My grandfather passed away today. I miss him all ready.

I knew he was going to go sometime soon but I guess I never really imagined that he would be gone, if that makes sense. He was always there. I remember when I was little and he and Grandma lived in a one story, small house in Sacramento. My family used to visit my grandparents and he was always there. He bought us ice cream from the ice cream truck that drove around the neighborhood in the afternoons.

He always loved his grandkids. He was so good to us. When my parents went away on a cruise one time, he and Grandma drove to Redding to take care of us.

I think I said it before and it’s weird that it sticks out in my mind so much but my first real memory of bacon is when my grandpa cooked it for my brothers and I along with french fries…for breakfast.
I’m worried for Grandma now. I know she feels so alone. She’s going to have to move in with one of her kids now. I don’t know what that’s like. I just wish I could take away her pain. I know she and Grandpa bickered a lot. I think that kind of became their routine. It was kind of a habit which didn’t really cause any hurt feelings. It was just something they did. I think Grandma got used to that.

I went back to Sacramento this past week to be with my grandpa. I overheard Grandma talking with my little brother’s pastor. She told him how she already felt so alone. She felt like she didn’t have anyone to talk to. She was worried about what her life would be like without Grandpa.

I’m so thankful for my closeknit family. Everyone in the family was there. Emily, my cousin, flew back from Bob Jones, My uncles came from Indonesia. Michelle and Madeline came from Indonesia. My mom’s cousin flew in from Memphis, my mom’s 2nd cousin came from Colorado. A lot of families aren’t close like we are. That really made me feels good about us. They’re mostly all there now, except me and Emily. I’m glad I went home to say goodbye to Grandpa. I sure hope that he’s enjoying heaven. I hope he’s jumping around like a little kid. I just wish I could be at the funeral.

Grandpa has never been a healthy eater. I remember one time when I was little, my family went to visit my grandparents and Grandpa cooked breakfast for my brothers and me. He cooked us bacon and French Fries. I think that was when I first started to love bacon.

Grandpa has always been a contant. He’s someone I assumed would always be there. Sometimes he’s philosophical and sometimes he doesn’t make much sense. He’s so funny like that. I remember when I went to visit Grandma and Grandpa with Susan for the first time. Grandpa must have talked for forty five minutes about how he and Grandma fight sometimes but that they love each other. He said that he sometimes has to give Grandma a slap….of the lips! That cracked me up.

I love my Grandpa.

Waigong, wo hao xiang ni.

I am aware of my failings. I have many of them.

My mom and dad are leaving tonight. I know they were bored while they were here. I really was a terrible host. I didn’t take them anywhere cool, I got impatient with my dad and mom, I didn’t get to pay for any meals with them (mom always beat me)…

I could tell my mom felt sorry for me when she saw where I live. She told me that she and my dad would help me out with some money so I can move to a better place. I was a little embarassed. Not because of where or how I live, but because at my age with my education, I couldn’t be the one helping my parents out by giving them money. Instead, my parents want to give me money.

Probably the one thing they did enjoy while they were here was being with Susan and her parents. At least I made a good choice in that department. I couldn’t ask for better. She was great as were her parents and family.

Sometimes I tell myself that I haven’t done so well financially because I’m the free spirit in the family. I’m the one who will move anywhere in the world if I feel like it and money isn’t important to me. Sometimes I tell myself that I don’t have much money because I didn’t study hard enough in school. If I’d studied harder I might be doing well.

I guess I sometimes feel like I’ve failed and I don’t know how to fix myself.

I know I’ve made lots of mistakes and continue to do that but I just wish they weren’t so damn obvious.