My ultimate “crutch” as they say
Where do we fall when the rug is pulled out from under us? What is our crutch when we need help standing? Where do we hide when our cover is blown? We all have crutches and supports. No one is self sufficient in every aspect.
By nature I’m a somewhat moody person. I used to be a REALLY moody person but I like to think that I’ve matured a little bit. When I’m fine, I’m in the clouds. Angels sing to me and I’m the happiest person you’ve ever seen. When I’m down, everything falls apart. It seems that there is no good in the world. Today was kind of one of those days. I don’t know why. I just felt down. If you asked me, I wouldn’t have been able to put my finger on the cause. I just felt depressed and all the worries and uncertainties I have started to crawl onto my back. If I had alcohol in my room, I would have drunk it.
"These kids don’t listen to you, Josh. You haven’t made a difference to them at all this year."
"Do you really think you’ll be able to make it as an editor in the States this year?"
"Maybe you should just stay in China. You don’t know what’ll happen to you back home. What if you regret it and get stuck in a job you don’t like?"
"Your brothers are so much more successful than you’ll ever be."
"Your mom and dad never made it to your graduation. Don’t you remember how much you wished they could have seen you on that day? They made it to both of your brothers’ graduations though."
"You’re going to have to move to the east coast for a job when you go back to the States. You don’t want to be there."
"You’re going to have to hang out with your girlfriend’s friends who make you feel uncomfortable."
"You really blew it back in college. Those grade of yours don’t mean a thing except that you are a failure."
"Oh yeah, and your toilet doesn’t work."
These thoughts just wouldn’t stop!It seemed that they were slowly choking me. So, I did what I usually do when I’m frustrated. I went and exercised. There’s just something about exercise that helps me think clearly. It did help. It didn’t cure me, but I did feel better. After I got back to my room, I happened to turn on a cd. The words to the song that was playing made me stop what I was doing.
"And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know"
It felt like the song was about me. What does my future hold? What am I going to do? What should I do? But, the words I heard next really made me feel humble.
"God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture he’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God."
I don’t have to understand everything. I don’t have to know everything. I don’t have to figure it all out right now. In fact, I never will know everything. I’ll never understand some things. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that someone Does understand everything and know the answers to all my problems. It matters that this someone is someone I can always rely on. It matters that this someone is God. I can always fall on Him. I can always lean on Him. I can always hide behind Him. So why didn’t I do that in the first place? It’s what I should have done. But then, I can be pretty stupid sometimes.
