poops, giggles and huh?

My back is sore now. It’s partly sore because I played basketball yesterday for the first time in quite a while. It’s also sore because I’ve been hunched over my laptop computer for about 3 days straight. I should probably be sitting at a table. But instead, I sit on my beanbag chair in my room with my laptop on the floor. So yeah, my back is sore. Why have I been staring at my laptop so much, you ask. No, it’s not because I’m looking up pictures of Zhang Zi Yi and Shu Qi. Rather, I’m job hunting.

As I job hunt, my mind sometimes wanders. Ok, it often wanders. Here’s what it came up with yesterday:

THE LONER

This was going to be great, Toby thought. He giggled into his hand and tried not to make any more noise than was absolutely necessary. He held a roll of toilet paper in his hand and made sure that the end of it was loose enough. He grinned and threw the roll over the garage. It left a trail of white tissue. A perfect white line over the roof of the garage. Toby stifled a laugh, which turned into a snort, as he raced to the other side of the garage to retrieve the roll. He continued to T.P. the garage and as much of the house as he could with the eight rolls of toilet paper he had.
He stood back to admire his handy work and then let himself into the house with his key.

The next morning, Toby awoke at 7 o’clock as he did nearly everyday. He yawned and stretched then wandered into the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of orange juice and walked to the front door to retrieve the newspaper. Toby opened the door and feigned surprise.

"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. His eyes scanned the front yard and all the toilet paper that covered his shrubs. He ran out onto the lawn and turned back to examine his house. It too looked like it had been painted white. Toby chuckled. He sure had pulled a good one on himself. It would take at least a couple of hours to clean up this mess. He shook his head, grinning to himself as he walked back into the house.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dinner would be in two hours. Toby hurriedly took out his best china dishes and set them around the table on the freshly washed and pressed table cloth. He checked once more to make sure that the silverware was polished and glowing. The chicken was baking in the oven and needed just about an hour longer to be completely done. It was his favorite italian red wine chicken dish. It was always a favorite dinner among his guests and Toby enjoyed making it.

He went back to his bedroom to put on some slacks, his favorite Banana Republic shirt and a tie. He looked in the mirror one last time to make sure that he looked just right for the dinner party. Toby brushed back a few hairs that had fallen out of place. There, he looked good. He smiled at his reflection and held out his hand, shaking an imaginary guest’s hand.

"Thanks for coming. Come on in and have a drink. Dinner will be soon."

Satisfied, Toby went back out into the kitchen. Appetizers sat on the counter with a bottle of wine. He checked his watch. 6:34 pm. They’d be here in a few minutes. Toby put on his shoes and went to the front door. He left the door unlocked as he stepped outside and closed it behind himself.

On the front doorstep, Toby turned around and faced his door again. He knocked on the door and opened it. Quickly he turned around again.

"Hey man! Good to see you!" he exclaimed to himself. Toby turned again so he could be the guest now.

"Thanks for inviting me over. The house smells great. What’s for dinner?" Toby turned again and was now the host.

"Oh I thought I’d make my specialty…italian red wine chicken." He smiled proudly. As he led himself into the kitchen. He continued making small talk with himself as he poured a glass of wine and put some appetizers onto a plate. He munched on the little snacks as he told himself about the T.P. prank that he’d played on himself last night, laughing at his cleverness.

I’m home now. Burt Bacharach plays on my laptop and I sit on the floor of my warm, carpetted bedroom. I came home sooner than I thought I would.

Honestly, things changed quickly in the past six months. I didn’t think I’d ever want to live in America again for an extended period of time. I planned on finishing my contract in Beijing and then finding a job as an editor with a textbook publisher there.  I also never thought I’d become a drug dealer and solicit loose women for wild hubba hubba. But, here I am with seven different STD’s. Uhhh actually, scratch the last two sentences.

Anyway, it’s nice to be home. Going away really does improve your family relationships. If I’d never lived in China, I’m sure my family and I would be at war with each other. As it is, we’re very peaceful and happy. You know what, I don’t think I really feel like typing anything else right now. I need to clean my room and watch the Simpsons. I suggest you do the same.

"Koko Josh, can I sleep with you?" David whispered.
He wasn’t sure if I was asleep yet. The thunder was pretty loud and the rain seemed to pour in waves against our bedroom window. Every so often, a flash of lightning seemed to explode in front of our house. For all we knew, we might not make it till morning. A little bit of light from somewhere illuminated my little brother’s frightened face. We were both old enough to be ashamed of sleeping with our parents but not too old to share a bed when the storms got scary or when a monster chased us out of our dreams.
I scooted over to give him room and David thankfully crawled into bed next to me. Within a couple of minutes he was snoring peacefully.

—————————————————————————————-

"Oh, sick, man!" My brother shoved me and laughed as I pretended to snuggle up to him. We are too old to sleep in the same bed even when storms threaten our bedrooms. We are definitely too old to sleep with our parents for any reason at all. However, with both of my brothers visiting me here in Beijing, two of us were going to have to share a bed. David and I did. He slept in my room and Alex slept in the guest room upstairs. My blankets were meant for one person so we slept a little closer together than we would have liked. If the room temperature hadn’t been as cold as my refridgerator, I’m sure one of us would have opted to sleep without covers.

"Hey, when do you think Ko will get married?" I asked.

"I don’t know," David replied. "Hey, I’m a little worried about starting my career."

"Aw don’t worry. You just graduated and I’m sure you’ll be fine."

"Yeah, but I’m afraid I’ll get stuck doing something that I don’t really like."

We talked about this and other grown up things for quite some time before we both fell asleep. Just like when we were kids, my little brother fell asleep first. The last thing I heard before I floated away on a cloud was David snoring peacefully.