can we try and take the high road
Sometimes I feel like I could run forever. Sometimes it feels like if I run long enough I’ll be able to keep running. Sometimes it’s like the horizon is just over the next little hill and if I run fast enough I’ll be able to catch it.
I remember when I was heading off to college. I remember that last goodbye. I didn’t want anyone to see it but I almost got choked up. I hated myself for that. "You stupid little female dog (insert the correct word here). You will not shed a tear," I commanded myself. I didn’t cry either. I didn’t cry even though I wanted to after I punched myself in the balls to keep myself from crying about being at college. I was pretty sure I was going to hate it down there at that little crazy Christian college in Florida. I was so sure that I was going to end up beating someone up during the next few weeks or so just because I would hate it down there. I was so sure of that. I was right too. I did hate it and I did end up hurting someone. I didn’t beat him up exactly but then he wasn’t walking so very well after he called me a "chink" and he had a bruise on his face.
I remember graduating from high school. I had officially graduated from that home schooled kind of life. I had made it to the next level and would undoubtedly become a stud in college. I would be someone great and rid myself of the small town stench forever, I thought to myself. I’d live in a large penthouse somewhere in one of the larger cities in America forever with my money rolling around me in bags. My healthy hair would be as dark as a carload of assholes and never turn gray. I got that wrong though. None of that stuff rang true. I get tired of dyeing my hair sometimes.
I’m living at home with the family again right now having just returned from China not long ago. I’m looking for work and don’t have too much to call my own. I’m not entirely sure what "making it" means and I’m not sure when I’ll get there. Somewhere in the not too distant past I think the line between optimistic cynicism and realism got blurred.
