leaving the buzz
It’s 11:23 pm. My buzz is starting to wear off. These pictures of my students and me and these pictures of me and Susan…they all crowd my screen and my brain. All that I am and all that I ever was seem rather distant at the moment. I just know that these things will never change at this particular moment in time. If I just sit here, I can relive these moments in my history.
I don’t need anything or anyone right now. The images of me walking down 5th avenue by myself for the first time and the memories of me walking down that quiet street in Beijing for the first time compete for a place in my mind. I can see my last goodbyes to my students in Qingdao. I see Laura’s broken face. I can see Maggie smiling in the office. I see Michelle crying after I got mad at her for something that wasn’t her fault.
I see a picture of me wandering through the streets of Beijing alone. It’s a big city there. The quiet that came with being alone was a welcome yet lonely experience. I see Hannah’s smile as she says, "heyyyyyy." Her friendship is comforting.
I see my dad and my mom. They’re welcoming me home after I’ve been in China for two years. My dad looks so happy to see me. I’ve missed him so much.
I see my brothers coming off the plane in Beijing to visit me. I’m so happy to see them. It’s amazing that the three of us could get together so far from home. They mean so much to me.
If I lay here, if I just lay here, if I just forget the words and look at the pictures flashing through me right now, I’m there again. It’s all here; crowded together in my picture box.
