poops, giggles and huh?

Grandma leaned over the coffin supported by my two uncles.

"I’m so lonely," she managed to say to Grandpa through her sobs. "Why did you leave me? I didn’t expect you to leave me so suddenly."

The crowd of people that had attended Grandpa’s funeral were all outside the funeral chapel now. Only the family was still inside. We were paying our last respects to Grandpa.

My uncles were crying too and I could tell that they were trying to be strong for Grandma but were having a hard time of it. "If you get up, I’ll cook anything you want. I’ll buy you anything you want," she told Grandpa through her tears. She stroked Grandpa’s face with her hand tenderly as she cried.

Mom, my Auntie Thelma, and my Uncle Markus couldn’t hold back their tears either. All of us grandkids took turns saying goodbye to Grandpa. Ko, my older brother, cried and knelt in front of the coffin and told Grandpa that he was sorry. My dad sat and I saw his body shaking as he sobbed. The girls hugged each other as their tears smeared their make up and mascara.

I waited until everyone else had said goodbye to my grandpa before I went to see him. Ryan joined me. I looked down at Grandpa’s still face. I kept thinking that I saw his chest rising and falling…like he was still breathing and just taking a nap like he used to on our sofa. I kept expecting him to sit up and say, "pulang yoh. Let’s go home." Just like always.

Ryan looked down at Grandpa and I saw the tears start to spill out of his eyes. I told Grandpa I’d miss him. At first, I didn’t think I felt anything. Then it hit me all at once. I could hardly keep from sobbing. The tears came fast.

This was the death of an era, the end of our way of life, the signal that our whole family is getting old. It was the knowledge that our innocent days as a young, healthy family and close siblings and relatives wasn’t going to last forever.

I didn’t know I could cry anymore. I haven’t cried for a long time. I usually look at crying as a weakness. I couldn’t help it. Ryan cried and I put my arm around him for a moment… and then I cried.

My grandfather passed away today. I miss him all ready.

I knew he was going to go sometime soon but I guess I never really imagined that he would be gone, if that makes sense. He was always there. I remember when I was little and he and Grandma lived in a one story, small house in Sacramento. My family used to visit my grandparents and he was always there. He bought us ice cream from the ice cream truck that drove around the neighborhood in the afternoons.

He always loved his grandkids. He was so good to us. When my parents went away on a cruise one time, he and Grandma drove to Redding to take care of us.

I think I said it before and it’s weird that it sticks out in my mind so much but my first real memory of bacon is when my grandpa cooked it for my brothers and I along with french fries…for breakfast.
I’m worried for Grandma now. I know she feels so alone. She’s going to have to move in with one of her kids now. I don’t know what that’s like. I just wish I could take away her pain. I know she and Grandpa bickered a lot. I think that kind of became their routine. It was kind of a habit which didn’t really cause any hurt feelings. It was just something they did. I think Grandma got used to that.

I went back to Sacramento this past week to be with my grandpa. I overheard Grandma talking with my little brother’s pastor. She told him how she already felt so alone. She felt like she didn’t have anyone to talk to. She was worried about what her life would be like without Grandpa.

I’m so thankful for my closeknit family. Everyone in the family was there. Emily, my cousin, flew back from Bob Jones, My uncles came from Indonesia. Michelle and Madeline came from Indonesia. My mom’s cousin flew in from Memphis, my mom’s 2nd cousin came from Colorado. A lot of families aren’t close like we are. That really made me feels good about us. They’re mostly all there now, except me and Emily. I’m glad I went home to say goodbye to Grandpa. I sure hope that he’s enjoying heaven. I hope he’s jumping around like a little kid. I just wish I could be at the funeral.